I've been wanting to blog...

I have been wanting a blog for a long time. I even tried a couple of years ago but well... I don't know what happened. I was concerned about my writing abilities (even though I've taught English.... ha ha). Honestly, I just wanted a place to record my ramblings. Maybe I'll be the only one to go back and read it;  that will be okay. 

I'm a mom, wife, GRANDMA (or MoMo as my babies call me), an artist, a high school art teacher, and a spiritual seeker. NOW I'm also a runner. You see last year my menopause just hit me in the face. Wait... what the heck does running have to do with menopause? Well, beyond the heat flashes, I was depressed and feeling out of my mind. I felt crazy. I had horrible thoughts of suicide and there was no reason for it. Nothing in my life was different and so these thoughts made no sense.

Being a responsible person, I sought professional help and called the doctor. The doctor put me on antidepressants which I was okay with because I just wanted to stop. Well, fortunately the horrible thoughts went away but I still felt crazy and now I was gaining weight. I started running... and running... and running. 

After a couple of months of running, my brother suggested that we run a marathon. I said yes but I really couldn't see it happening. Then my brother said we should run the NYC marathon for the Pat Tillman Foundation. I was excited, inspired, terrified.... really?  He had points so he would pay for the airfare so there was really no excuse, right? 

The most I had run lately was a 10k so what's another 20 miles. He gave me the training schedule and so I began the month of June. Some people were skeptical and honestly, I couldn't blame them. Now I'm running A LOT!! I've run 13 miles a couple of times and next weekend is 15 miles.  This running thing has put me in touch with myself on a level I just could have never imagined. It is painful, yes, but I literally enter a sort of meditative state. 

I called this blog The Self-Loathing Lotus because I'm definitely a work in progress. I always doubt myself....I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough, talented enough... and so on. That asshole inside my head needs to shut the F up. I've been listening to a lot of podcasts and I'm finding that the people I truly admire have that same a-hole in their head. It makes me think I can accomplish more even with the voice. At least the really desperate thoughts are gone and I know relief is as easy as slipping on my running shoes (by the way, the MOST EXPENSIVE SHOES I'VE EVER OWNED). I know I've got this.... the marathon and my life. 

This blog will be written for me about the things that lift me up. However, if you like it, great!